the failed child

So i'm the failed child and my brother is her golden boy. That seems perfectly it. I had planned to repent after i joined the retreat. And i did changed. First it's kind of fine but it gets harder and harder since people are challenging my emotion especially my brother. I still try hard not to be mad. These past few days i was like sooo in a bad mood. Suddenly i feel friendless. not that i got no friend. I got tons of friends even close friends but lately i just found out there are no such thing as everlasting friend or real friend or anything. It's all feel really really very fake. I feel lonely, i missed my dead cousin. He's my best-friend, my only real best-friend. He's always there for me. He know how to calm me down and help me to understand my mistakes. This afternoon i had a BIG fight with my mom in which those had not happen during the past few months. It started when mom said i can't make friends. What does she know? I had lots of friends although not lots from outside my school. I said to her how could i make friends to outsiders when she's not even allowing me to go out with people she don't know. I said something about her work. I swear she had changed for the past few months. She no longer cared about us that much. I was just saying out my dad's and brother's feeling towards her new job and she was really mad at me. I swear i cried. She was really mad at me. But why? Maybe because she had feel guilty all this time and i was making it worse. But is that really my fault? She always think I'm the failed child - the retarded one and my brother her golden boy. Even if her golden boy makes mistake i am the one to be blame. She said it's all because of me. You know what's worse? SHE THROW A BAG TO ME! what kind of mother does that? Uh yeah MY MOTHER. Suddenly all those old wound opened up again. Suddenly i feel like. FUCK REPENTING! but i'm trying to calm down. Still it's really hard after what she had said to me.

Retreat

So on Saturday 10th January and Sunday 11th January 2009 i went to join a charismatic retreat which was held in Puri Asih, Gadog. The place is somewhere near Puncak or in Puncak I'm not really sure. I joined the retreat with 1 of my friend and with my aunt's ex and his friends (he's pretty close with my mom and i assume him as my uncle. he's very nice). I actually thought that the retreat will be like those boring retreat like usual. I was also hoping that there are a lot of teenagers my age there. I arrived at Puri Asih at around 9 am in which the event had started. At first, i was pretty shock because they sang a lot and they were clapping hands and stuff in which I'm really really not used to. After that there was a lady. Her name is Ms. Edith. She give some speech and i was starting to feel sleepy. It was very boring. But when it comes to session 2/3 (i forgot) we start singing and i like the song so i sang the song with full of my heart. At first, Ms. Edith sang with Indonesian Language but suddenly she use the spirit language. And suddenly people start to faint! i was so shocked! I had never seen stuff like that ever! Some people shouted too, but mostly the fainted. I was so afraid. And there was another nice lady who prayed for me. She said some prayer and suddenly she talk with the spirit language. Suddenly i was shaking and i feel so sad. I start to cry. The lady asked me why i cried. I said i don't know because i don't know. I just cried. She said that the holy spirit touches my heart (literally). I was so amazed. She asked if i had any problems or hidden feelings. And by that time i realized how much i've missed my beloved cousin whom was also my very best friend. Unfortunately, he died few years ago. I was really really sad when he died and i missed him so much. But after i was prayed by the lady i was feeling better. I don't feel as sad as i was before joining the retreat. She said those hidden feelings like disappointment, sadness, hatred, etc are called "Luka Batin" in Indonesian Language. I'm not sure what it is in English but if i do know i will soon post another post. That night my friend and i share some stories with my aunt's ex's friend. He sure gives us a lot of good informations in which maybe i can't learn anywhere else. What is really great from the retreat is that i make me understand more about my god and my religion. I learned that masturbation is a sin. Also that hurting our physical body such us smocking, tattooing and stuff like that is also a sin. I learned that even having bad thoughts about our parents are wrong and is a sin. My Uncle's Friend also share his experience in using dark magic and the effect after that. It was a pretty long and spooky story though. I do learned a lot more stuff. But at last i concluded some points for my own self. Those points are that the first and most important thing is that God is really great, other than that is that i better act good NOWrather than later when it's too late and i had so many sins, i also learned to be more patient especially to my parents, and a lot more. I think people should join the retreat if they're interested in it. I'm not really good at telling stories. But believe me it was greater that what i had told.

Romeo & Juliet

What is the first thing you can think of about "Romeo & Juliet"? Romantic? For me it's 'classic'. Why? Cause this play is about as old as my great great great grandparents. The play was written by William Shakespeare. During Shakespeare's time the language used is still very complicated for beginners. For example 'thy' which you can find the definition at dictionary.com

...to be continued

P.S. Forgive me if there are wrong informations since i was just beginning to learn more about the play.

Dinner

Just now our (my family) plan was to have dinner. The 4 of us. Dad promised to watch a movie. But guess what? Mom called her friends to have dinner with us! Isn't that just perfectly great?! (NOT) why not? Of course because they'll be chatting chatting and chatting which means that my brother and myself are going to have to hang out alone (just both of us. So out of plan. Sucks) So here we are sitting down in a cafe listening to old people's boring discussion. It sucks! Got nothing to do. Luckily there's wifi here so at least i can post sth. That's better but still not fun either. I hope i'm home reading books, watching tv, online & browsing or just sleep. Those seem a lot more interesting.

bitchbitchbitch

'bitch ' is the only word i could think of to describe that specific person. I'm perfectly sure that you would to. Ask me why. Cause she is. Obviously supposedly whateverly she should had know that he's dating me but she still did trying to attract him. Isn't that bitch? Aha ha. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

P.S. please anyone don't be gr cause she's not who you think she is. BTW, happy new year!