the failed child

So i'm the failed child and my brother is her golden boy. That seems perfectly it. I had planned to repent after i joined the retreat. And i did changed. First it's kind of fine but it gets harder and harder since people are challenging my emotion especially my brother. I still try hard not to be mad. These past few days i was like sooo in a bad mood. Suddenly i feel friendless. not that i got no friend. I got tons of friends even close friends but lately i just found out there are no such thing as everlasting friend or real friend or anything. It's all feel really really very fake. I feel lonely, i missed my dead cousin. He's my best-friend, my only real best-friend. He's always there for me. He know how to calm me down and help me to understand my mistakes. This afternoon i had a BIG fight with my mom in which those had not happen during the past few months. It started when mom said i can't make friends. What does she know? I had lots of friends although not lots from outside my school. I said to her how could i make friends to outsiders when she's not even allowing me to go out with people she don't know. I said something about her work. I swear she had changed for the past few months. She no longer cared about us that much. I was just saying out my dad's and brother's feeling towards her new job and she was really mad at me. I swear i cried. She was really mad at me. But why? Maybe because she had feel guilty all this time and i was making it worse. But is that really my fault? She always think I'm the failed child - the retarded one and my brother her golden boy. Even if her golden boy makes mistake i am the one to be blame. She said it's all because of me. You know what's worse? SHE THROW A BAG TO ME! what kind of mother does that? Uh yeah MY MOTHER. Suddenly all those old wound opened up again. Suddenly i feel like. FUCK REPENTING! but i'm trying to calm down. Still it's really hard after what she had said to me.