9:24 pm

Yea he's right. I got no right of being so jealous. It's just that it feels weird when someone that was close to you is more close to someone else. I'm being so egoist by acting like that, huh? I don't know what to say to make him forgive my severeness. I was just so mad to i don't know what i guess to myself.

My Bad

Forgive me for the severeness of my last post and for saying that he's a liar. Okay it's my mistake. I'm just not sure about everything. Okay i will not defend myself any longer. Okay now I'm saying too much 'okay'. It's also my bad that i was jealous. I'm not suppose to be right? I dumped him and i am responsible for what's going on now. I'm not suppose to be jealous that he's close with anyone else. But what can i do? I could not command my feeling to feel what i want it to feel coz if i can i will command it not to feel anything. Then it would be fun, right? Not feeling anything not even a little pain. It was my bad. It was alright between us and i make it worst. Now i don't know how to fix it. Ah jesus help me please.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

What a liar! you think I'm stupid? I'm not a newborn child who can't understand such a thing. Helll-llllow wake up boy. What a liar you can be.

I know without even asking

I can know the truth without even asking. From what he had said and from how they talk to each other. He said they're just friends but who could believe that? He said he don't love her but that's what he said. It's not that i don't wanna believe him or sth but it's just unbelievable. One of my friend said I'm stupid. Sure i am.

First Child's problems

a fight? not really. Disappointed? Sure my mom is very disappointed. I guess so. You know it's hard to be the first child. First of all, i got to be an example for my little brother. Second, i got blamed for my brother's mistake though it got nothing to with me at all. Third, I'm like their (mom and dad's) hope to make them proud and prove that their child can be a someone. Another problem is that because unfortunately my dad's family is sooooo old-fashioned and they still think that girl is like so much nothing and i gotta prove that a girl can also do something great. It's hard but I'm determined to prove it cause i think those thinking really sucks. But at the same time my teenage personality is too lazy to be very diligent. But i tried. Maybe my mom is somehow right because i think that i won't be able to prove what i wanted to prove if I'm still like this. I really want to change but it's hard. It's bad habit and hard to change.

...................our relationship

i just don't get it. he said sorry for what happened and i respect him for that. I can say our relationship got better. I guess. Though I'm not sure enough where this friendship...relationship...or whatever anyone wants to call it will end and i guess we can just let it flow. Right? Sure. Another thing is i thought he was dating that girl but fortunately yesterday he said he's not. I'm like so confused. I thought this whole time he was like showing off to me like "Hey this girl is better than you." But once again he said he's not. Are you confused? Yeah me too.

ngeselin abis tau ga

iya deh gue tau i wasn't that kind of a good girlfriend to him tp nyantai aja dong. Gue ga pernah kali ngebanding-bandingin dia sm org laen. knp jg harus dibandingin gue sm that girl. kalo emang gue baca smsnya trs knp? cuman liat doang he-llo dan gue kan cewenya(dulu) is that so weird? haff so tired of calming down bisa gila gue

net not net not

Before he deleted that girl's message to make me feel good (which doesn't really change how i feel) and
now i think he's deleting my messages to make the girl feel good. Owh yeah what a turn.

finally...

So hmm it happened yesterday. we talked and FINALLY he start to act a little nicer. he asked me what do i want. Honestly i don't know what i want. Anyway he said i broke his heart into pieces okay that's is so obviously but it just hurts that he actually said it to me. Nancep gitu loh. Like a knife is stab your heart and suddenly you can't breath (agk lebay sih). So okay i think about what he asked. About what i really want. To be honest, the egoist part of me really really really really really want him not to be with his almost new girlfriend but another part of me wanted to just let go. Well but if that is so that maybe we just can't meet. Not that i am too arrogant to meet him or anything but who could stand see their ex with another person. Well anyone but not me. But it's really hard to talk to him to tell him. He just wouldn't listen. He don't believe me. Yea so i think i'm giving my blog url and maybe he would believe. You see now i'm like humpty dumpy who fell and the knights can't put me together again. It feels weird now to write on the blog that i know he will read it but i'll try as hard as possible to tell the whole lot truth. It feels weird because my blog used to be private and i don't think anyone i know had ever open my blog cause they didn't even know i had one because i did not tell them. Well at least until now. I forgot to add that maybe i had something in mind. About what i want. But it's so weird that i ought not to tell. Hahaha it's stupid. I don't know how he will react after reading this blog and also what will happen but i hope it's not something bad.

Real Full Tale~

This is the real full tale. Jadi gue ketemu sama mantan gue itu pas homestay ke china(ew ew the place makes me feel sick.) terus pkknya kita jadi deket gitu dan pas di jakarta kita jadian (09.07.08) such a nice date ya okay terus intinya kita pacaran gitu kan and i feel that dia berubah gitu. Jadi gimana ya... agk keanak2an gitu lah pdhl i thought he's more mature than me. Terus after that we almost have fight every night wether it's small or big pkkny pasti ada berantemnya. terus pkknya akhirnya gue pikir gue ga bisa lagi sama dia. daripada berantem terus malah jadi ga enak. Mendingn temenan aja tp baik2 kan. tp jujur gue juga masih sayang sama dia. (that time). Minta putusnya juga ga gampang. He beg me not to break up and everytime he does it hurts me too. (but he never knew that. i was too shy to tell.) The reason why i wanna break up is that he's so not mature terus gue juga males kalo harus berantem terus sama dia and those kind of stuff. And plus i thought i'm not good enough for him. And after that kita masih smsan telfonan just like before but with no status the other difference is that i no longer say that i love him but he always did. He often ask if we could get back together. I said no. I don't know why. But i just can't. i know that that hurts him. But it hurts me too. It happened on the Lebaran Holiday. He went to turkey and i went to manado for holiday so we didn't really communicate with each other during the holiday. Before that i had always ask him to move on to find some other girl but he never listen to me and always said "i'll love you forever and no one else" but i thought he knew that we just can't get back together. i begged him but he won't listen. He rejected it. I try a lot different ways
but doesn't change anything either. So i decided when he get back from turkey that i won't reply his messages. Its hard not to because i still love him somehow. So he called me but i rejected it because i'm afraid i might not be able to control my emotion. i keep telling myself that this is for his own good. For a person that i love. By that time finally he said that he will still wait for me and will still love me forevr. and i don't know what i did but few weeks later he was angry to me plus he's close to a girl. Now, He don't really wanna talk to me. Padhal dia tau ga sih setiap kalo dia sakit gue juga sakit. dia pikir gampang apa ga ngebales sms orang gt aja, Dia pikir gue sesadis apa. Dia pikir gue ga sedih setiap kali gue ngebayangin dia sm cewe lain. What makes me think that not replying his sms is the best for him is that waktu dia bilang he'll love me forevr and will always love me and no one else, dia bisa kan smsan sm cewe lain. Itu yang namanya forever? Only me? Okay maybe it's also my other fault. Maybe he just had has enough. I'm not sure what i said that makes him so rude to me. I just want him to know that every words that come out of my mouth is for him. Even if it hurts me. So now the worst part is that after he had move on (he told me so) i thought i would not be missing him or jealous and i even thought i might forget my feelings totally or at least most but it's untrue. I can't forget our good memories hmm also the bad ones (i found it funny and also silly if i remember those bad momments). Especially i can't forget how he use to hug me with this big bear hug (that's how it felt, like being hugged by a bear since he's taller than me) how he use to warm up my hand since my hand is such a good conductor that it can be cold so fast. I miss just about everything.

wth should i do

ow-kaay it was my fault. i know i started it. i know i'm the one who's to be blamed but then i sort of felt sorry. i miss him damn much. but i don't know what i should do. I think it's like too late to get back together with my ex. Aaah but i miss him. I really do. And i promise to myself that if i can get back with him i'll be a nice girlfriend.